Oldie.

This is an oldie from my journal, dated October 29th, 2004.

"I find myself, again, sitting here with so much to say and no way to put it into words. I guess when it comes down to it, few things ever come out perfectly... so here are my thoughts- confusing, I know, but true. Nothing specificially has triggered this, just a bunch of confusion that has built up inside, leaving me with so much on my mind. I should be sleeping, but I think it would be a waste if I don't get this out first. Also, I think afterwards, I will sleep better. I'm almost positive that I will.

I know that there's a time in everyone's life when they wish they could control a situation, change someone's feelings, etc. In such a world, we would be able to pick and choose who we are attracted to, who we are drawn to, and who we have feelings for. We'd be able to control those feelings and how deep they become, and we'd also be able to control the feelings of others. We'd have control over who we cared about and who cared about us. We'd be able to erase feelings, move on easily, and let go instantly. I supposed that if all of these things were self-controlled, finding love wouldn't mean what it's supposed to. All of the excitement and overwhelming feelings that come along with falling in love would be skipped over and we'd be jumping in head first. Love would be chosen, and not developed. Love would no longer be a blessing, but a choice. It wouldn't be as beautiful, if at all beautiful, because everything would be expected. Do we really want that?

I guess more than wanting to control the feelings of others, I wish I could control my own. I always seem to fall for the wrong person (or maybe it's the right person in the wrong situation or at the wrong time). It just doesn't make sense to me, and if it did, then life wouldn't be complicated. If life wasn't complicated, then I guess I wouldn't be strong. No one would. I have these feelings that I don't want, yet at the same time, want really badly. What gets me even more is that there's nothing I can do about those feelings, or the situation. I am happy with the way things are in my life right now, for the most part. I can't recall a time that I've ever been 100% completely (and honestly) happy, but if I could go back and change things, there wouldn't be much I would change. I am a work in progress. I have to keep reminding myself of that."