Reflect.

I've been wanting to do this for a while now, just haven't found the time. Today is pretty steady, so here goes. These are posts from my journal. Significant moments, I'd like to think.

June 27, 2005

"I miss the girl I used to be. The one with all of the faith in the world. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I miss my Mom, so much, even though I pretend to be so mad at her for leaving. It's breaking my heart."

August 11, 2005

"I didn't really expect him to open up to me the way he did. I have no doubts in my mind that this is exactly what I want, and exactly what I've been waiting for."

September 1st, 2005

"This is all happening for a reason, right? I mean, it has to be. Five years have gone by and tomorrow, we are going to see each other again for the first time since we were fourteen years old."

September 12th, 2005

"The past ten days were nothing short of amazing. I went there with a hopeful heart, terrified that things weren't going to work out. They did. I am in love and I have never been this happy in my life."

October 18th, 2005

"He told me to get my stuff and get out of his house and never come back. I was shaking. He tried to hit me, and then he threatened to hit Jon. He hasn't even called me since I left. We've never had a "good" relationship, ever, but I can't believe the way he acted- all because I wasn't happy there anymore. He is so angry because this is finally the first time in my life that he has no control. I left, and there was nothing he could do about it. I don't think I ever want to see him again."

January 7th, 2006

"Gram is really sick. She has fluid in her lungs. She is completely miserable. Her doctors don't seem to be doing anything for her."

February 28th, 2006

"She is in the hospital again, for the fourth time since Christmas. She's having so many problems. I just want her to be okay."

March 4th, 2006

"On Wednesday night at 11:30, my Mom called to tell us that she needs emergency surgery. They did an MRI and found that she has an aortic aneurysm which is bulging and beginning to rupture. She was transferred to ICU. Because of complications, they had to wait until Friday morning to do the surgery. We didn't leave the hospital. The surgeon explained the surgery to our family, and told us that there was a 30% chance she will have a stroke, 30% chance that they will be unsuccessful, and a 15% chance that she will become paralyzed. We kissed her before she went in, and then we waited. Hours later, the surgeon came in and told us that everything went really well. I can not tell you the joy that I felt at that moment. She is my best friend. Later that day, we went in to see her. She was intubated, her eyes were black and blue, and her whole body was swollen. I just stood there, crying, because I had never been so happy to see someone's chest rise and fall."

March 19th, 2006

"She was moved to Good Shephard Rehab yesterday! She is doing really well. Her recovery is going to take a long time, and they aren't sure to what extent she will recover, as far as whether or not she will be able to walk again."

June 5th, 2006

"Well, we're now living in Eau Claire, Wisconsin..."

July 10th, 2006

"In three weeks, Jon will be moving to North Dakota for two months. After two months, if everything works out, Jon and the band will be moving to Los Angeles. He asked me to go."

September 9th, 2006

"We've been engaged for almost a month now. I'm finally coming to the realization that our wedding, whenever it may be, isn't going to be everything we have hoped for. Being from almost opposite sides of the country means that there will be family from either side that won't be able to attend- depending on which state we get married in. What do we do?"

October 5th, 2006

"First and foremost, over the past few weeks, I have learned that you can not make decisions based on outcomes. You have to do what is right and deal with the outcomes, knowing you did the right thing. Jon and I are getting married on December 2nd, in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. (So soon!) On October 1st, I moved out of Jon's parents' house and into this beautiful historic (really big) house in downtown Eau Claire. A family lives here that houses international students that go to UWEC. We decided that I would make this move so that Jon and I would be living apart for the next few months until we get married."

November 29th, 2006

"Tonight, my Mom pretended to be the pastor, and Jon and I rehearsed. I am getting anxious. Tomorrow is my last day to finish everything up. Jon's family gets here tomorrow. Ginger, my Dad, and my brother get here on Friday. Saturday will be, by far, the best day of my life."

December 17th, 2006

"I am so overwhelmed with my feelings for Jon. Before we were married, I didn't think it was possible to love him at another depth. I know now, that everything we went through to find each other was completely worth it. Six and a half years apart, and now we are married. He is my heart. Everything about the wedding was perfect, except for the fact that Gram wasn't there. The whole wedding party went to the nursing home after the ceremony to visit her. She just cried and kept saying how beautiful I looked, and how sorry she was."

June 4th, 2007

"Well, we live in Bethlehem again. I love it, again."

December 15th, 2007

"It's been a while since my last update. My Mom got married in July. It was a small, intimate, beautiful wedding. I just wish their first year was going better for them. I know that things will get better, in time. On August 14th, after a long and brave fight, my Grandma passed away. I can honestly say that my heart broke into a million pieces, and will never fully be whole again. I miss her, so much, at times it's hard to breathe. I know that she is with Jesus, and I know that she isn't suffering anymore, and as much as that brings comfort, I truly wasn't ready to let go. On December 2nd, Jon and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. After an extremely hard year, I couldn't be more proud of us. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person, and I am so excited for our future."