I know that I'm not supposed to understand, and I'm okay with that. Really, I am. The peace-the unmistakable peace that only comes from God... it surrounds me and runs so much deeper than this heart-breaking, gut-wrenching pain. You read about stuff like this, but you never think it could/will happen to you. (You know exactly what I'm talking about.) My heart has broken for the people I know (and the people I don't know) who have been through this. My heart breaks for those same people again today, as I now know and share in their sorrow.
We were very excited and shocked to have learned that we were pregnant again, for the third time. Noah is 2, and Dawson is 1, and although it seemed crazy, we were embracing it wholeheartedly. We've known for a while- since the end of March. After a rough start, we saw and heard a heartbeat at 6 weeks, and were reassured that things looked great. We were having another baby! We were hoping and praying that we'd get our little girl.
Things were going well. My nausea had started to subside as my first trimester was coming to an end. I was overwhelmingly tired- still waking several times a night with Dawson. Unexpectedly, the past few days have been rough, as I experienced some things that I hadn't experienced in my pregnancies with the boys. We headed to the doctor this morning for reassurance, but we received everything and anything but that. I lay there as the ultrasound was taking place, my head turned away from the screen. In one glance, I saw my sweet little baby. No flickering heart. No movement. My sweet little baby lay lifeless in my womb.
In that moment, I was overcome with sorrow. The ultrasonographer said nothing, because she couldn't. She left to get the doctor. My mom and I cried. Jon was my crutch. The doctor came in. We heard it, from her lips, and it all became real. Our baby had stopped growing. My body was preparing to miscarry.
I can't explain the grief that I feel... seeing this tiny being whose heart was beating away just weeks ago. What happened? At what point did things change? And what could I have done differently? I teetered on the edge of a deep dark hole a few times today. I won't let myself fall. My faith will not be shaken. My God is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). My God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). I have a God who loves me. A God who forgives me. A God who has a plan for my life. A God who gives me peace. A God who is so incredibly good. After all, he gave me an angel.
1 comment:
Oh Alyssa. My heart really aches for you. I've been through that pain before, three times. And as I read this raw, painful post all of those feelings came flooding back... too easily for being so long ago. :'( But peace and comfort is obtained through the Word, family, friends, or even complete strangers when you need it most. The Lord really is your rock, and your husband is there to lean heavily upon. I guess there’s really not much to say, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone, and you are going to be stronger because of this... but at the same time it is also comforting to know that you will always miss and love that precious little baby that you lost. Those feelings will never go away because you are an amazing, loving, nurturing mother. <3
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