It will be my joy to say, "Your will, Your way".

I woke up this morning with a throbbing headache. As my feet hit the floor, I was slapped in the face with reality. Today it became very real. My day has been full of ups and downs, sweet moments and some of the saddest moments I have ever felt. My heart aches. There is no other way to describe it. My heart aches so badly.

This little being, although so small, has already had such a huge impact on our family. I continually have to pick myself up over and over again each time I mention the baby or future plans that we no longer have. "Honey, what do you think of this name?" It just came out, and all I could do was cry. You don't realize the things you'll have to face, and how hard it will be to face even the simplest- calling your landlord and telling them you no longer need a three bedroom, coming to the realization that it's okay if we wait a little longer to get that minivan. You have no choice but to accept that right now, all you can do is be the best mom you possibly can to the two precious boys you already have. You explain to your two-year-old that his little "sister" that he was so excited for is no longer in your tummy, but an angel, rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus. You watch his face and feel your heart break again as he replies, "no, mommy, my sister IS still in your tummy". You reassure him that someday, God willing, he will have a sister... just not right now.

Tomorrow is the surgery- 3pm. Check-in is at 12:45. Everyone has been so wonderful- thank you all for your prayers, your kind words, for crying with me and giving me hope. Thank you to the people who have offered to bring meals, and help with the boys... I appreciate each one of you so much.