Tired Soul and All

I collapse into a huge pile of relief when he came through the door. "Daddy!" Little voices shriek. Finally. Focus off of me for at least a moment. I contemplated wearing earplugs today while doing the dishes just for a break from Noah's c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t chatter; nonstop since 7am and still going strong. He refused to nap and continued to talk my ear off until the moment Jon got home, his attention then shifted. I sigh. I can't bare another moment of whining. I can't stand another off-pitch note blown from that dumb little red recorder. My soul begs for a break. Just a moment of time that is mine.

They leave. All is quiet. He knew I needed that break... oh, how he knew. It's 5:39 and I didn't even make dinner. I re-heat leftovers from last night. I forget to breathe between bites... I'm so hungry. Did I even eat today? And what will the kids eat for dinner? What about Jon? I packed some whole grain muffins- that's enough until they get home. (Right?) Brain reels on. Spinning, spinning, spinning. Never stops.

The laundry is piled high- overflowing. I count the hours left until bedtime... how much can I accomplish? I've been going all day and I'm tired. I crave sleep... a good eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. A week of good sleep and I'm afraid of what I'd be capable of. Move a mountain? Sure.

You give and give and give of yourself as a mother. You trade in your soul for the role of so many others. Cook, maid, nurse, teacher, supervisor, nutritionist, referee, clown...  I used to be so passionate about so many things- the fire now dim (but it's still burning, somehow) and I can almost imagine how a slave must feel, hands worn and body aching. Work, work, work. It shouldn't feel like this, motherhood. It's a gift. Gifts shouldn't feel like this.

In the moments of peace, when it's just my thoughts and I, I am overcome with overwhelm. There's so much to do. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I am still me and I'm not even sure what that means anymore. I think back to the days when it was just me and the world was mine. My dreams were right there at my fingertips and bearing children has ripped them right out of my grasp. The focus is no longer me, but I now come last. God, spouse, children, me. How can I possibly have time for me when I'm last on the list? Who am I? There has to be more than this...

Sing, read, write, create. Some of my closest friends and family have never even heard me sing. I have piles of books that I fear I'll never get through. These things must continue to simmer on the back burner until life gives me the "okay" to bring them to a boil once again. Contempt, anger, resentment. These things used to make me happy. These things, not by my choice, have to wait. My happiness has to wait.

Sometimes we try so hard to find happiness elsewhere that we fail to recognize how much happiness is right in front of our own eyes.

Change of perspective. You know, the moment where life kicks you right in the butt with the reality of how good you really have it and how blessed you really are? You read about someone else's tragedy and you are overcome with thanksgiving. You are filled with guilt. You are selfish. You feel stupid for complaining about anything and you feel blind for not being able to see all of this on your own.

God's timing is perfect. He is never late. His plan for my life is better than anything I could ever come up with on my own.

Me? I'm a writer, a singer, an artist. Right now, I don't have as much time as I'd like to pursue these things. Why? Not because I'm a slave, but because I'm the most important person in the world to two little boys. Because I am the wife of a man that loves me unconditionally. Because these two things are what God knew would make me the happiest. These two things are what God knew would bring me the most joy.

And in the times of frustration, I slip away into a quiet and dark place and regain perspective. I pray. I ask God for his grace. This isn't easy. This is something I have to do over and over again every single day. Every. Single. Day.

God's grace is sufficient. He renews me when I want to jump out the window. He restores me when I feel like there's no hope. He takes the blindfold of life away from my eyes to reveal His many blessings that I so often overlook on my quest for something greater.

Time and time again, He shows me that it doesn't get any greater than this- right here, right now... 

That this is my life: mommy and wife and anything beyond those two things... anything extra is a bonus (a blessing). My life is full of joy- pure joy right in front of my very eyes- whining, off-pitch notes, guilt, unshaven legs, tired soul and all...