Rest.

Mid-June, I found a lump behind my ear. After several opinions, and weeks on end of  "watching and waiting", we were still unsure of what the lump actually was. The most recent doctor I had been following up with was sure it was a lymph node. The fact that the lump was still present after eight weeks warranted a  referral to an ENT with a diagnosis of lymphadenopathy. I chose to see the same ENT that removed Noah's adenoids several months back. After consulting with him, he felt confident that the lump was a cyst (sebaceous), but that we wouldn't know for sure unless we removed it. My other option was to wait and watch... I chose to remove it. Here we are.

I had surgery yesterday morning. Doc says he got it and took some surrounding tissue as well. Sent it off to the lab and I'll follow up with him on September 7th. This is the hardest part of all for me... waiting. Was it just a cyst? Is it something more? I used to play that game... the "What If" game, as my husband calls it. I won't be taking part in the What If game this time. I am putting my full trust in the will of God.

There is an incision behind my left ear, diagonal (following the back of my ear) that is about an inch and a half long, closed up with fourteen stitches. Thankfully, I'm not in too much pain. My mom was here today and yesterday while Jon was at school. Jon will be here this weekend, and I'm hoping that by Sunday I'm feeling close to normal. I'm exhausted and queasy and lethargic. I just want to lay around, which is expected. I can't lift anything too heavy (babies included) for a while. When I turn my head to the right, it feels like the skin behind my ear is going to rip.

I wasn't looking forward to this part- having to go under a knife and have anesthesia. Having to wait for over a week for results. Not being able to carry my kids and carry on with my every day life. What I was looking forward to, however, was the rest that would come along with it all.

My body, mind, spirit and soul needs this rest.

Thank God for my mom and all she has done and continues to do for our family. After being with the kids for the past two days and truly experiencing firsthand how absolutely defiant Noah can be (and how whiny Dawson can be), she said something that she's said before but for some reason, this time, it was like music to my ears. 

"I don't know how you do it."

I don't need an award. I don't need constant recognition. I know that all moms go through this. I know that it's not easy and it's what I wanted and it's the path God has mapped out for me. I know that it's the most sacrificial job there is and that a lot of days the things I do will go unnoticed. I'm okay with that. I just needed a reminder that I'm doing a good job, and that's exactly what she gave to me. Thank you, Mom. Thank you for letting me lay in bed and for taking care of the kids. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for reminding me that I'm doing the best that I can and that that is enough.