The Story of Us

I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was the summer of 2000 in the month of June. Our van pulled up to a group of teenagers, anxiously awaiting to meet us. It was my very first mission trip. I wasn't sure what to expect- I knew the week would be full of new friendships, hard work, and lots of serving. I expected life-change. I expected gratitude.

I remember seeing him- I was drawn to his long hair and skateboard. I remember secretly hoping we were assigned to the same work site and I remember rejoicing internally when his name was called after mine. A crush. I didn't even know him, yet I was somehow drawn to him. A fourteen-year-old crush with a boy I'd never see again. (What was the point of that?)

We spent the week in West Hamlin, West Virginia at Jim's house. We wore bright yellow tarps in the rain. We scraped paint off the tired old house. I held his ladder and we refreshed the house as God refreshed our souls. We laughed and goofed around. We worked hard. We ate watermelon and venison (my first time). Friendships were formed. God met us there.

At night, we'd retire back and have dinner as a group. Fellowship. Praise and worship. We'd check our "Happy Fun Notes" bag. I never had a Happy Fun Note from him.

In the morning, we'd have quiet time. I'd sit on the porch, bundled, watching him. I'd watch him skate and I'd blush. I liked him. My first real teenage crush.

The week came to a close and we said our goodbyes. I left him a Happy Fun Note with my contact info. I felt silly for ever even having a crush on a boy that lived all the way in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. (Really, what was the point of that?)

Summer ended and high school began. I thought about him. I'd get crazy butterflies every time his screen name would pop up in my instant messenger. E-v-e-r-y time. We'd chat- mostly about the weather. I wrote in my journal about him. I wished he knew how I really felt. I wish I knew how he really felt.

Years passed. I graduated in 2003 and left for Bolivia- my fourth mission trip. I came back and spent time with my friends at concerts and parties. I started school- Keiser University online. I battled serious depression. I drank a lot of alcohol and kissed a lot of boys. 

But I always thought of him.

I then found myself in a very dysfunctional relationship- unhealthy in every sense. He was a drummer. A drug addict. He craved women. I was "different". Our relationship wasn't very physical- we had a connection. He made me feel beautiful. He was "different" and I fell hard. And, in a matter of months, he destroyed me. I felt hopeless. How do you recover from something like that? All self-confidence had been completely squashed. Oh, you had another girlfriend the whole time we were dating? You broke up with her and took too many pills. You were vomiting blood and seizing. You laid there in bed that night and told me that I deserved more, yet I still didn't believe you. I was brain-washed. You ruined me. Why didn't I listen to your friends?

But I always thought of him.

I was online and I saw his name sign on. He asked me for my phone number. What? It had been five years since that West Virginia trip. I didn't answer the first time he called. Fear. Is this really the same boy? We spent hours on the phone getting to know each other. He liked me. He liked me on that trip. I was hesitant to open up. Why didn't he leave me a Happy Fun Note? We were fourteen.

After a few months of talking, I bought us each a plane ticket to Bethlehem, PA. My mom lived there and we were going to stay with her for two weeks. I was in love with this boy and I hadn't seen him in five years. What if we saw each other and the connection wasn't there? It was there on the phone... but in person? I hugged him tightly at the airport. I knew that I was going to marry this boy.

After our visit, he went back to Wisconsin and I went back to Florida. We spent a few weeks apart until he packed his bags and took a Greyhound bus (36+ hours) to meet me. We loaded my car (cat included) and moved ourselves to Bethlehem to start our new life. We spent a year in Bethlehem and then he was offered a spot in an upcoming band out of North Dakota. We moved to Eau Claire and in with his parents. I wanted a commitment. I was living in his parent's basement and I wanted a commitment before he left me there to pursue playing drums for a band in North Dakota. I picked out the ring. It was just like my Grandma's. On August 15, 2006 (exactly one year after we started dating) he asked me to be his forever. (Was this really the same boy from West Hamlin, West Virginia?)

After weeks in North Dakota, he came home. We planned a wedding. Four months later, on December 2nd, 2006, we were married. 'Til death do us part.

Grandma got sick. We moved back to Bethlehem. Grandma went to be with Jesus. My heart broke into a million pieces.

In 2009, we welcomed Noah Landon Krause.

Two years later, in 2011, we welcomed Dawson Oliver.

There is no greater joy.

Our time together as a couple slowly became something of the past as we embarked on the new journey of being parents. We were tired and we were frustrated. We started counseling. We almost gave up. How is it possible to love someone from the very depth of your soul and resent them at the same time? There were expectations and disappointments. There was betrayal. Forgiveness. Passion and pain. We have experienced, over the last seven years, just how hard it is to join two people from completely different backgrounds into a loving and thriving marriage. There has been laughter and so, so many tears. Sorrow, grief, and unconditional love. Grace- so much grace. There has been anger and control and letting go. There have been hands gripped so tightly to a marriage severing before our very eyes. There have been threats, hurtful words, an abundance of selfishness, and building high emotional walls... towers. Forgiveness. There has been hope and hopelessness. Insecurities and pride. Sacrifice.  

It has been hard- harder than I ever imagined or dreamed that it would be. 

It also has been solely, hands-down, thee greatest thing to ever grace my life. 

In the process, I have found myself. He has brought out the very best in me.

Together, we have found what it means to have the marriage God has truly intended for us to have. 

What a journey it has been and continues to be.

I love you, Jonathan Craig Krause, my fourteen-year-old crush.